thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
