Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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