i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
