I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
