don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Help. Why am I so naked?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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