I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
third nipple confirmed
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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