Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
