PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Apparently you make a good broom.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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