you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
