i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
