im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
