So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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