You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I got inside last night via doggy door
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
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