my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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