I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
