I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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