'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
