I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
