he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
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