you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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