3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Acid is not a monday night drug
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
