My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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