just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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