omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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