Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
