Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
