I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
