I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
