Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize