I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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