now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
