Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
