Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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