I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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