Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
