Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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