So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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