Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
