I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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