I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
