I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
