sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
