i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
