i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
