we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
