The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
