when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
