I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
