So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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