You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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