he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
