I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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