I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
