Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
