I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
