apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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