Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
