The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
