It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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