i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Randomize
